dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
