Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize