If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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