My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
