I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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