please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
