If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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