Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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