Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
