Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
