Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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