dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
