1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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