Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Acid is not a monday night drug
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
