I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
