Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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