Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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