I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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