Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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