jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
