my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
