Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
