This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
