i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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