I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
