Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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