My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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