She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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