So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
