So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
