I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
