Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
