Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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