I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
