the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
