Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
false alarm, still single
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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