I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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