I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
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