did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
