i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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