you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's rum buckets o'clock
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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