"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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