i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
