i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Randomize