I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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