I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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