I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
