My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
