I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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