good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
