I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
