I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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