Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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