Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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