just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
