i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
