What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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